Speyside Specialities
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL
Dear Speyside Specialities Employee,
Haggis are particularly illusive creatures who are rarely seen and often misunderstood. Having roamed the remote Scottish Highlands for centuries, they are amongst the world’s oldest animal species. Very skittish, quick and known for their stealth-like qualities, haggis can be very hard to catch. This is why most humans never get to see haggis in their natural habitat.
As one of the UK’s largest supermarket suppliers of haggis, Speyside Specialities employs only highly trained haggis hunters. This confidential document unveils the secret top tips for successful haggis hunting – ensuring our customers enjoy our national dish on Burns Night along with their neeps and tatties.
After cracking the code to release the hunting ground coordinates from our company safe, ensure you adhere to the following:
1. Haggis are known to have one set of legs longer than the other to climb hills with ease. Females are known to have longer legs on the right, whilst males have longer legs on the left. This occurs so that males and females are more likely to meet whilst roaming the hills. Catching haggis out with trip wires has proved successful.
2. Haggis are very smart and are able to deceive hunters. It is because of this that you must emulate the call of the haggis – only used when haggis are happy and safe in the knowledge they are in no immediate danger. To adopt this calling technique, simply cup your hands around your mouth and emulate the drone of a small set of bagpipes.
3. Haggis have a great sense of smell – especially when it comes to the scent of a human being. In order to hunt a haggis you must ensure that you do not smell ‘human’. The best method of masking your smell is to rub all clothing and exposed skin with a mixture of whisky and left over mashed tattie. N.B: Only genuine Scotch whisky will work.
4. There are two species of the haggis – the lowland and the highland. Their distinctive markings – grey stripes on the lowland and grey spots on the highland – are easily observed. The lowland also tends to have a much broader accent, while the highland has a much thicker coat – naturally evolved due to the harsh environments presented in the highlands.
Happy Haggis Hunting – and remember, the British public are relying on you.
Yours Sincerely,
David Lawson
Managing Director
